How do you measure a year...

I would like to say I measured my past year with the happy moments like the ones I have blogged about here. But in reality, my year has been measured in miscarriages, and waiting. This past year has been by far the most challenging one I have lived thus far. I never thought when Travis and I decided that we wanted to add another baby to our family, I would endure two miscarriages, and one ruptured ectopic, including the loss of my left tube- and all in a time frame just shy nine months. Time passes so slowly when your heart is hurting, and desiring something that continuously seems just out of reach. I have tried to remember the words of a friend of mine, and, "Praise Him in this storm," but some days are just harder than others. I am tired of hearing the phrase, "At least you can get pregnant," from Doctors and people who don't seem to understand the level of loss we feel each time a pregnancy doesn't work out. We are now once again in the waiting after having suffered our third loss just last week. When the wait is over, we will have reached exactly one year since we started trying to add another baby to our family. It has been my "year of infinite sadness." I am hoping we may see the light soon, and then I won't feel like I need to make a mental effort to put on my happy face each morning as I leave the house.

Through all of this, I have learned that everyone has some sort of pain that they do not share. They may look fine, and smile... attend events, celebrate happy times, and are even grateful for good things in their life. Doing all of these things, they still hurt. Knowing this, I have become much more understanding and willing to meet people where they are at. I have begun assuming people are hurting, and treat each person as such- which a little extra dose of kindness and patience. I have also learned that you really don't know what is going on with someone unless you take the time to ask. I now take that time....

So we will see what the Plan is. I think everyday about whether we should continue on this quest for another baby, or if we should just stop and celebrate the time we have with our real little miracle. That question will remain for another day and we will just continue doing what we have become so good at.... waiting.